Summer Emails From Superfans

Yep, more completely real emails are addressed completely seriously by Andrew. How could a man with so many hobbies make this sort of thing up? And why would he, is a better question, when he already is behind in so many projects?

Do you have a restaurant yet? And can I have free dinner?
-Clint, Beaverton, OR

You can try to eat for free, but I will cut your achilles tendons if you get past the guard dogs. Restaurants take seed money, and partners. I am in the market for both. Which is why I am working at the post office again, to get rich. And you wondered why stamp prices are always rising? Ah really its to pay for all those fancy stamp designs people are so passionate about. And maybe my plan is a poor one, since right now, I can't even get the post office to pay me my regular wages. I have the funniest conversations with them, where I explain basic business principles in baby talk: it is important to pay your workers. Otherwise, you are not even a business. And you are breaking the law.

Oh, they say, nodding slowly, crazy, but I guess it makes a kind of sense. Their counter seems to be that I should love the post so much I don't mind not being paid. They seem to consider me a real brat for showing up every day and demanding money. Kind of: (mock scolding voice) Andrew! You mean you and several of these other crybabies only come to work to get money in return? For shame! I feel dirty just talking to you. If I didn't get paid I would feed my family on wishes and skip to work instead of guzzling up gas in my car!) None of these official manager type people offered me their last paycheck to prove it, however.

Remember this post if you hear the words "Utah", "Post Office", and "exploded" in the same news broadcast soon.

Not particularly in that order. I kid. We're all very calm there.


What kind of restaurant are you going to open? And where will it be located?
-Aro, Oshgosh, WI

A dream one. As in, in my...well we will be open for breakfast everyday, but only with take out items, like my PB-Honey Cereal bars, which slayed another three people on my last hike, and may have been the best batch ever, Oat the Door bars (clever no?) in about 8 flavors, muffins, and so forth. Open on Saturday mornings to sit down with pumpkin pancakes, vanilla hazlenut berry waffles, chocolate-craisin pancakes, huevos rancheros Andres, where you use a premo rice and bean mix instead of just black beans, and several other options. Open everyday for lunch and dinner with lots of vegan options. A rice and beans of the day, patriot potatoes (mashed red, yukon gold, and purple spuds with the skin, left lumpy and loaded with peas, corn, and lots of pepper, plus a rotation of all my fab recipes which you can find here on your favorite blog. Close for a few hours between lunch and dinner. Lots of soups. Cold in summer, hot in winter. Different menu every day, specials announced on a calendar at the first of the month. And we will sell local art on the walls: photos, paintings, murals, collages: if its hanging up, you can buy it. A rack with local poets, and music. Do open mic nights and other cool community projects and themes.


How many Fake Work Girlfriends are you on now?
-Jennie Lynn, SLC, UT

Oh well, if they wouldn't keep quitting for reasons having, I am sure, nothing to do with me, there would not need to be so many. What can I say? I like people to dislike me. I enjoy my privacy. My reputation is undeserved, I assure you. Oh wait...no, I am lying, so you'd better boo and hiss a little louder. I'm a bad man!


Would you come here to cater? Your website is unclear as to where you actually are...we have hippo statues all over town because we were founded by this weirdo, I mean, someone just like you, I mean...love your work. Big fan.
-Melinda, Pflugerville, TX

That's a bit far for my range, but tempting...yes catering to small groups and especially lazy husbands who don't want to go out to eat and also don't know or care to cook themselves, and serving the meal as their maitre-de with a crooked stick-on french mustache is a good idea.

I've heard about these hippo statues. Not sure I believe it. High school mascot is a panther. Hippos stomp panthers by the way, I mean in real life. Hippo is like the rock in rock paper scissor- nothing beats Hippo. Hyenas try because they can take little bits of foot and dart away in packs before the hippos trample them, but crocks and lions won't even mess with baby hippos after like two weeks of swim lessons. And hippos taught the pharaohs of Egypt how to be lazy. They were hard-working and studious like the Kangxi emperors until they started taking lessons at hippos' lazy feet.

The website is a work in progess. Like me.


Have you ever seen those backpacks that are "Picnics to go", and fold out like an accordion to form a little table? Are you going to buy one and work as a hiking guide and serve your world-class empanadas and calzones on top of mountains to your famished clients?
-Rainier, Dusseldorf, GE

That was a mouthfull. That is the two letter code for Germany, by the way. You only get this stuff from an honest-to-god postal worker. Yeah I think those backpacks are lame, and the table is weak, and if I were going to actually take people to most of the places I have been, I would need to carry some of the weight for them, rather than bring up a bottle of sangria they wouldn't want due to severe dehydration and altitude headaches anyway.

Also my calzones need work. They are getting better, but are still a little dull. Can't get them to hold enough tomato sauce inside to not be dry without leaking.


What's the most delicious thing you've made lately?
-Justina, SLC, UT

Probably the EZ Parmesagna Lasagna. Actually, Huevors Rancheros Andres were awesome: homemade masa tortilla with dried onion, cilantro, and peppers, topped with melted cheddar cheese, julienned green peppers, tomato and chile salsa, wild and long grain rice and mixed beans, lettuce, and scrambled eggs. Can also be done with eggs sunny side up. The key is to make masa tortillas but dust your hands and the rolling pin with white flour. You get the best of both worlds. I almost exploded eating these. But both recipes are good. Also did a kale and sweet potato soup for the third time this year. Delicious. Vegetable broth from scratch, then lots of kale, parsley, two diced skinned yams or sweet potatoes, cherry tomatoes, diced bell pepper or chiles, kidney beans, pearl barley, diced bratwurst or mild italian sausage (optional), carrots, olive oil, red wine vinegar, garlic, and seasonings. Don't forget the sage. Great hot or cold, and its hard to imagine a soup more nutritious. Also orange-cranberry Oat the Door bars with tangerine zest instead of orange zest. Accidental (I can't crack an egg properly or tell a tangerine from a "really weird orange"- but I deserve my own cooking show, I swear- can you name 10 people on this planet more interesting or entertaining than me. You can't do it, can you? Every episode would swell to the length of a Peter Jackson movie, but still- you'd watch! Those hours you were awake...), but the next time will be intentional.


What is something you never cook?
-Jessie's Girl, Palo Alto, CA

My "War of the Roses" deep dish, with a white alfredo pizza hidden beneath a marinara red pizza. Spinach, mushroom and olives on the bottom, raisins, bell peppers, sundried tomatoes and ground sausage (optional) on top. That sucker takes a lot of work. But it is conceptually brilliant and damned delicious.


What is something you really want to learn how to cook?
-Tony, Juab, NM

Tomato bisque. Been buying it in a can and improving it. Campbell's Select, and then adding black beans, corn, peas (in the pod), touch of olive oil, and anything else. Tried it with green beans- love green beans. I think I could save quite a bit of money if I just bought a can of plain tomato soup and bisqued it though. Molasses, brown sugar, touch of red wine, lots of basil, bit of milk and cream should do it.

Also Beef Papperdelle. Even bought a red zinfindel to try it out. Now, one of these months I will go buy that corkscrew I've been meaning to...


How'd that poetry party go?
-Terrence, Ogden, UT

I drove around for an hour looking for a house that looked like it was hosting a party and jumping out of my car asking people if they knew anything about it, or, were it. It was a 134 degree day and the inside of my car was 325 degrees, so I was as baked by the end as my lasagna. Also, I never found the actual party. I think I was expecting more cars to be there than one should really expect at a poetry society party...and an address would have helped, or a phone number. Damn you two-year-old girls who took the last library computer with internet access! Damn your adorable matching outfits! And the way you both fit in one chair while standing and could somehow type with four hands without getting confused! Why didn't I write down the address or a phone number in the six weeks I thought about going to this party instead of stopping at a library on the way, already late? I like to live dangerously. My life makes perfect sense to me, I swear. Have I ever lied to you? That you know of?