100 % All Rational (Even in this Economy)

Andrew answers the really tough and important questions, from the really tough and important fans. And he does it without any crazy fake numbers like the square root of negative 2.

Well bear with me for one sentence until I've worked in our quota of "even in this economy" phrases (there we go), as just mandated by act of Congress, and then I can get down to answering real questions that are really real and really questions from actual fans of this blog. Even in this economy. (Uh oh, its becoming a habit.)

What's the big deal with this Utah mayor who wrote fake letters to himself and then answered what a great job he was doing? His PR people suck. Why didn't he just say Ben Franklin did it? Did you know Ben Franklin wrote many of the letters to his Pennsylvania Gazette under names like Prudence Do-Good, Anthony After-Wit, and Amanda Adder-Tongue?
-Daniella, Toole, UT

Yes, I did know that. Fraud in journalism is a long and proud American tradition, right up there with reporting fraud through journalism. But I'm not sure why you're asking me this. Even in this economy.

How could Ben Franklin want the turkey to America's official animal? Those lazy things can barely walk and are so stupid, there is a whole phrase- don't be a turkey.
-Clovis, Ireland

Hey, don't sleep on the turkey. Those buggers used to be quite clever and agile for fat flightless birds, certainly they were more of a killer Monty Python rabbit than the common quail ever was. Haven't you ever seen the Looney Tunes turkey? Animals are vicious. If they get half the chance they will certainly shove a load of TNT down your pants and then ride a rocket beside you while taunting you with cool water...but remember Ben Franklin was a wry humorist. He was, if you really want to know, because I'm a reverse psychic and know all about the past, poking a little fun at some of his contemporaries for being more pot-bellied than the stove that bears that name.

And the turkey, it turns out, would have been the perfect choice for today's America. They are lazy, can barely walk, are morbidly obese, and smell bad. Okay, the last one was a stretch. No culture has ever been so obsessively over-clean. And the next time someone from PETA tells you how turkeys are sad because they are so over-fed they can hardly walk without breaking a leg, just sweep your arm to take in the whole of whatever street you are on, and say, and are all these people being forced to overeat? The turkey is probably proud of his girth. The animal brain covets salt, fat, and sugar. A child is a sucker for the stuff, and even as an adult, knowing you are being manipulated with most of the food out there, it still takes a lot of work to break those habits and get over the taste and smell of dripping pizza covered with churros (okay that was just in a dream of mine last night- but it does sound good doesn't it?). This is me being more understanding than usual, I know. It won't last. But in America where we have gollum anorexic actresses staying thin for the whole of us (women are secretly relieved these days if a man gets a celebrity crush for the same reason men have always been; they can pig out and during "relations", with the lights off, your partner can simply close their eyes and see that poster they love), 2/3 of people are still fat enough to disgust me, if not themselves. We don't have enough attractive people left to shame these tubbs into thinning down for their own good. They're here to stay, until the next food shortage, then well they're going to have a hard time. (You might think I and the thinnies would starve sooner, but I disagree; we'll be raiding, looting, hunting, and breaking and entering, using our athleticism to prey the way a snake does while all the chubbos are hiding in the basements like freightened, soft, delicious bunnies.) The fat population is being enabled, and getting bolder all the time. Pretty soon they'll figure out they can control the legislature, and then you'll see only big men getting elected. And brocolli taxes will abound. Luckily we have this obsessive shallow society to keep things in check. But turkeys have no such culture of shame, abuse, hypocrisy, or anything else. They simply feel satisfied in their puny birdish souls, thinking, I am big and beautiful, and I'm winning at life. No famine's ever gonna slow me down. I'm practically invincible. Not like these boney humans. Never figure this thing out. Always giving food away. Suckers. They'll never survive at this rate. And now wasting so much energy. Sharpening that axe, like he was actually gonna swing it, ha ha...

And what's will all the Ben Franklin questions?

Aren't you going to get in trouble for always bad mouthing the Post Office? Aren't you ashamed? They pay you. P.S. Did you know Ben Franklin discovered the Atlantic Current while travelling between England and America as the Post Master General?
-Katie, Kimball, TX

Yes and no. I won't get into trouble. As long as I remind you that all of my opinions are soley mine, and I just happen to be a postal employee. No statements, opinions, or recommendations about cheese, beer, or organic meats come from, or reflect in any way, official, or general Postal Policy, feeling, thought, or tradition. (The Post Office has none of the above. Ha ha, kidding- that is only my opinion about them, not theirs about themselves.) Yes I knew that about Ben Franklin. Is there a convention on right now?

I've only been buying food that says 100% natural on the label, so I'm eating healthy right?
-Chris, Portland, OR

Well, I hate to confuse you further, but probably not. I try to avoid foods that have that label, and I can tell you why with the following thought experiment: You are at a social gathering, talking with a beautiful girl/boy whom you are interested in, and then that interesting, attractive, completely sane-seeming person says in their top flirty voice, while leaning into you lustily, "I'm 100 % all girl/boy, if you know what I mean." What do you do?

I know exactly what I would do. Say, "I know just what you mean." Then nod suggestively. Then laugh heartily. Then wink, and excuse myself to go to the bathroom, which hopefully would have a window I could crawl out of to flee home because I would have no idea what she meant, but it would be ominous enough for me to decide to go back to looking for love the only reliable, dignified, civilized way: reading the personal ads of crazy people and practical jokesters on Craigslist, and maybe even posting my own with a headline like, "Must hate TV, glazed doughnuts, and sex change operations."

Frankly, if a food feels the need to poke me in the chest and say, hey bub, I'm food, then there's already too much doubt in that situation. I will say however, you are eating healthier than you would be buying foods that carried the label 88% all natural, if such a thing exists. What's next: 100% matter: Here at Giant Evil Polluting Corporation that Hires Illegal Immigrants Farms, we don't use cheap fillers or flavors or anti-matters, the way some other leading brands do, but adhere to strict quality guidelines using only the best real and measurable ingredients that obey the properties of Newtonian mechanics because we love you, the consumer... even in this economy.

Did you see this article about Chik-fil-A suing a man for stealing their "intellectual property" by using the phrase "eat more kale"?
-Xiops, Egypt, ID

That was the most disturbing story I read recently, other than the headline, "Norwegian serial killer found insane- unfit for prison." If killing 77 people can't get you into jail, then Western Civilization has failed. No more insanity defenses, unless we're going to let the psychologists free. Then there won't be any more phonies free-riding on easy street after their little spree- shopping, or murder. Ever read a book about early experiments? On animals. Babies. Here is a tidbit from Watson, the father of behaviorism, and his work with infants: Even at a few weeks old, babies will learn to stop reaching for items that cause pain such as a lit candle after 3 or 4 attempts. Um? I don't know what to say about that. Also Watson convinced everyone in America for 20 years that mothers were uneccessary because babies have no emotions or intelligence. Orphanages modeled themselves after this guy's ideas and all the kids died of lethargic, lonely comas. How about Landis's work with dogs: he severed the spinal connections to the brain in several dogs, then gave them nothing to eat except slaughtered dogs, and concluded that since the dogs still showed emotional distress at being offered only other dogs to eat, the emotions could not lie in the body but had to exist in the brain. Well you can't spell psychologist without psycho. Why do countries even torture anyone and risk U.N. Sanctions? Just make sure the state university has a well-funded pyschology program and that all of its professors have really really emphasized tenure. Let em loose. Send them anyone who annoys you. You won't see any political opponents come out alive again. Hey it protects the kids of these doctors too. You don't want a bored psychologist going home to play catch with his kids. Thinking of good experiments while stuck in rush hour...if only he had the subjects to try them on...

Oh yeah, Chik-fil-A- this guy is a patriot to fight back. Also cunning because he got in the paper and his actual company is lame. Apparently 30 companies surrendered at the slightest pressure and threat of bankrupting legal fees and stopped using the phrase "eat more" blank. Cowards! I don't think this fellow's PR people are good enough though, either. I would be really bold. I would go right at Chik-fil-A: the words "eat more" are not your or anyone else's property. Let this crap stand and Donald Trump will put a patent claim on the word "was" or the letter "e", and then where will we be? Also, "eat more chiken" is not intelligent. Its a bad and vaguely offensive ad campaign. I am a little uncomfortable with it, though I can't say why. Its hardly clever and the only thing worse than the "eat more chiken" commercials is the actual food they are promoting. I have some words for everyone in America, a free country: eat more everything but Chik-fil-A. They're evil and ridiculous. But hey at least they're closed Sundays so the minimum-wage workers they subjugate can go to their poor people churches for an hour and forget how crummy their life is, and how their clothes all reek of deep fried pickles even after a wash.

Have you ever seen the movie Soylent Green? Are we going to end up eating each other?
-Chris L (that kid who could put himself into a pretzel while sitting in his chair when the substitute teacher turned around but got more and more shy about this as I started noticing girls and realized they just thought I was a puny freak), Cary, IL

Probably. Because no congressmen has the stones to tell everyone, hey America, none of you are worth 1.2 million dollars, sorry. Its a fact. We don't spend that much on our soldiers, and we sure aren't going to spend it on you. So you'll just have to die of cancer. Yes I know you don't want to. Yes I understand you've been watching TV and eating frozen dinners the past 31 years and only just now discovered how much there is you haven't done and now won't have time to do, and that you want to live, really live. But actually that isn't helping your case. No its doing the exact opposite. I can tell you weren't on the debate team, America. That's why you're out there, and I'm up here at this podium...

Oh its an election year? Again? Man I hate this stinking country- I mean, more health care for all! Yeah America! You're all super!

We're in a war to the death with death. And especially cancer. This insidious foe is attacking our children, our old people, our serial killers on death row! It never sleeps. We need to stamp out dying, in all its hateful forms!

Yeah see the problem with Soylent Green is they went to the trouble of this elaborate conspiracy. Now I know governments like to that because bureaucrats have boring jobs and watch a lot of movies and think you know what would be fun...orchestrating a big elaborate cover up! But then the innate laziness takes over...it would be much simpler to simply propogandize cannibalism. Start running some campaigns about how flea-bitten savages in the dark ages were eating beef and didn't know the pleasures of human flesh. It'll catch right on, especially with kids. Buggers put anything in their mouth. Already eat their own boogers...stuff really writes itself. No animal is good enough for us. Look how easily we enslaved the cow, how poor a fight the wild mustang put up, how easy the blue whale was to eradicate even from the deepest and darkest depths! Only man is a worthy meat for man. Just read Leviticus 11:14. We'll all be on board, because there won't be any elbow room at all.

I'd think you were an 80 year old man if you weren't always reminding us all you are in your twenties. You know how people are wise beyond their years? You're cranky beyond yours. Most people slowly build up a list of pet peeves over say 9 decades, but you just grabbed them all at once didn't you?
-Doug, Phoenix, AZ

Why don't you do some complaining about people who rant about technology on their on-line blogs?
-Wayne, British Columbia

Shut-up that's why.

I can count the number of items I've eaten out of a vending machine in my entire life on my fingers! I produce very little trash and buy foods with as little packaging as possible and cook from scratch, and I can't feel my toes right now and can only keep my fingers warm by typing more and more and more because its December 1 and we still have not turned on our furnace. I sleep in just underwear anyway because I am a rugged wolverine-bear-mountain-goat-lion of a man. M.A.N. I aint no mannish boy. I listen to my Muddy Waters straight- no Paul Oakenfold hip-hop beat sped-up remixes. And I can see Russia from my back porch!

Ok. That was fun. Look, technology really makes no difference in our lives. Without reality TV, you would gossip more and peek out your windows at neighbors, praying for a fight. Without a smart phone, you would be unable to text to your idiot friends how bored you are, or ask "dude what's up?" So you would do what our ancestors did, roll your sleeves up, and go find a coworker or friend to tell how bored you are, or ask, "dude what's up?" In short, the only change Iphones have made, is that your life includes a lot more buttons. Anyone who tells you differently, either in a rant or a commercial, is a crackpot, or a sales man. Probably both. You aren't any happier or sadder than you would be without electronics, despite what you think. You really could live without that phone. In fact, your malleable, sheepish persona would adjust within 10 minutes if the grid went down for everyone at once. You could all complain about cell phone companies together. Doesn't that sound? Around a campfire? I bet it does. I have no reason to despise Iphones except that they are pointless, trendy, expensive, annoying, and that Steve Jobs did not make the world a better place. It does you no good to be able to listen to any song you want instantly any time any place. The soul needs some down time, if we're going to build things like subways we should have to listen to their rumblings as punishment, and also most of the songs you like are bad.

So I apologize to anyone I might have offended. Even though anyone who got offended is clearly too touchy and should work on that, and is a big baby, and also insulted my mother- probably. I can't be sure, because I don't have a smart phone and I'm not connected to all the mainstream chat lines and feeds to check. So I'll just have to assume. You jerks. Please know that I am not advocating that you leave your phone off six days a week like I do, or that you become a fusspot who won't sit in a room with a TV that is turned on like I have started working into my personality (disorder), or that you go and talk to your neighbor about inane and empty things. No, I'm a big believer in solitary confinement. Sometimes I think of committing terrible crimes just so I can get sent to a prison and thrown into solitary confinement. All of my fantasies about getting rich start off with me going to my high school reunion to walk up to various former cheerleaders and say, oh hey, aren't you- and didn't you once not go on a date with me- well I'm rich you- so there! But they quickly advance to the part where five seconds after I am rich I take a vow of silence, then go buy a cabin in the only forest left (and by forest I mean tree) in Utah, with no power and no running water, and sit there shivering through a cold winter laughing to myself creepily that no one knows where I am. If I ever run for president, it will be on a strong anti-neighbor agenda. And my number one policy will be to launch some Soylent Green factories to cut down on the dangerous overpopulation of neighbors preying upon our (your) children.

I'm dating a fan of the Steelers, Lakers and the Yankees, and some of my guy friends said I must have found a real jerk, but he's sensitive and a great guy. Are they just jealous? (I don't even care about sports but it seems to me only an idiot would cheer for bad teams. Shouldn't you want to cheer for winners? I just think this means I've found a man whose practical and has common sense.)
-Joana, Detroit, MI

Your friends could be jealous. I'll need you to send me some pictures to let you know with any kind of certainty. Until they arrive, I will say, that your guy friends are also right. I've never met this guy before and don't know him, but he's obviously a terrible human being. Love cannot exist with sports bigamists, or in places like Florida, where the weather is famously almost always nice. Ever hear of fair-weather fans? People move to warm climates so they don't have to deal with snow. They won't go watch a bad team play any sport and will turn on any team when it starts to hit the skids. A sports bigamist is worse, because he not only turns on a team as it ages or struggles through injuries, but he switches allegiances so he always has a winner to be on the bandwagon with. He doesn't just tune off, he actively cheats on his chosen favorite team. Do you really think a person who packs up and ditches their traditional familial turf because they hate shoveling snow is going to be there for you when you've got a cold? Or that a sports bigamist who says he likes successful, well-run franchises (the typical defense) is going to grind out the tough times with you? As long as you stay cute and the money is there, he'll be that great guy. But first wrinkle, complaint, sniffle, or crying kid, and whoosh, he'll be long gone, telling all his beer buddies what a horrible wife you were and eye-ing someone younger, thinner, and bubblier. You ladies don't think sports "translate" into every day life, but what they say about how a man treats his mother is how he'll treat his wife (and your kids), is true of sports too: know what kind of fan a man is, and you know what kind of partner he'll make. The more jerseys...the more affairs, and if he can't support a team he grew up with when it has some rough patches, do you really think he'll love a son unconditionally who isn't a star on the soccer team? Check. Mate. More men should have interventions to spread the word to their naive female friends in need. Sports bigamists are evil. Don't mate with them. And our next public service announcement not about food is...

Are you going to check in on this Penn State sex scandal like everyone else who isn't qualified to write about it?
-Ryan, College Town, PA

Thanks for the invite. That surely can't have been sarcasm. Yes, yes I am. First, its not a Penn State scandal. Its just a large and disturbing and sad sex scandal that happens to involve Penn State in one instance, out of many. Penn State should not really even be the story, but they seem to be taking more blame than the guy who was you know actually doing the raping, and also the university is standing in for the town on the whole, which is understandable, and defensible, as the town only exists because of the university and none of the townies have any sort of actual life and just live vicariously by screaming at the football team 12 Saturdays per year. The scoreboard provides joy and shame equivalencies: 48-12 win=getting married, 35-27 in double overtime= 1st time parents after a long and grueling labor, 21-20 loss on a missed extra point as time expires= divorce, or your father just died. So you can imagine the trauma of finding out all those old memories are tainted. And its being reported on sports pages like its a sports story. Its not a sports story. Selling it like a sports story with the morale: college football is evil, or: that we need to stop hero-worshipping athletes and sports figures, is crap. To do that means we are still doing it- I mean villainizing a football coach and saying, he should have stopped this...please. He's the only person who could have stopped it? An old, half-blind football coach? Or his boss? Not the local police? Anyone working at the charity where much of this happened? Someone in the accused's family? A parent? A neighbor? No one in the entire town, a small town, ever had any reason to be suspicious over all the years? The whole city is turning on the man they've been idolizing and now are throwing eggs at him, tearing him down- the polar opposite of idolizing. But its equal in magnitude. It means they're still idolizing him, now ascribing him powers of evil he doesn't deserve. And they think they've learned their lesson?

We're taking the wrong lessons from this, that's the lesson I'm taking from this. A truer lesson is that there is no such thing as a perfect little town or a safe haven where bad things don't happen. The people in that community watched evil news stories that were sad and tragic and thought, thank God we don't live there. That sort of thing will never happen to here. And people all over the country are watching this tragic and sad story and thinking, thank God we don't live there! They thought it couldn't happen to them, but they were wrong. Blind. But that sort of thing will never happen here. And they may be wrong too. A feeling of complacency, of safety, allows this sort of thing to happen maybe, but its still better than rampant fear and paranoia, and never letting your kids out of your sight. You have to be dilligent, and still, bad things may happen. It doesn't mean Catholicism is evil or college football is evil or Joe Paterno was just a lesser Hitler this whole time. Closing stories off, quarantining them, is too easy. Its cheap and its dangerous. But the idea that bad things happen and maybe no one can prevent them, or know about them until afterwards, is much less comforting isn't it? We want clear-cut morals to stories. So we can wipe our hands, forget about them, thinking, well that was bad, but it won't happen again. We've learned. Someday a person may come to you and say they just saw someone you know and trust doing something awful. And your first reaction will probably be, that can't be true. And your second reaction will be, That CAN'T be true! You won't want to believe it, you won't be able to believe it, and hopefully it won't be true, but remember to check into it anyway, though no one is guilty until proven so. Joe Paterno, I'll remember you fondly. Sincerely, that one guy not stoning you.

How often do you go to the grocery store?
-Talia, Laramie, WY

Well, I've been practicing not going to the grocery store lately. Whenever I think I am out of food and have nothing to eat, instead of going to the store like I used to, then coming home, and realizing as I move things around on the shelves to make room for the new goodies, that I already had a lot of this stuff and had just forgotten...I just don't go to the store. I make myself get creative for a few days. Bake a pizza with whatever you have on hand, make a quiche or cassarole or stir fry with whatever limp veggies are around. Poke into every corner of the freezer and fridge. Its a good way to become more resourceful, save some money, clean up your storage spaces, and pretend you live in a society where you have to rough it, just a bit. This week though I wimped out and rushed right to the store because I ran out of toilet paper. I admit it, I just haven't learned to live without that stuff yet. I'm addicted to it.

And finally...

Who is going to be our next president?
-Rupert Murdoch, FOX NEWS

Of the PTA? Oh you mean of the USA. Right. Forgot about that. Hardly hear a word about it.

Tina Fey. I know you weren't expecting that, but I will tell you how it shall come to pass: Listening to Newt Gingrich and biting their fingernails clean off at the thought of running a Mormon against a ni-nevermind, the old creepy racists who control Republicanism, will go and beg Sarah Palin to run so they don't have to run Mit Romney. Even though she's a chick, and an idiot. Then everyone will start to snicker thinking about what a good impression Tina Fey does, and how eager Tina Fey must be for Palin to run, so she can start impersonating her and make a million dollars. Then they all realize Tina Fey is a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin ever was- slightly funnier, and also, a little younger and cuter and with more policy ideas. So they decide to put her on the ticket as the VP, then just beg her to run instead- as Sarah Palin and leave the unreliable real Sarah Palin and all of her many ghost writers out of the whole deal. Its really the most likely scenario.

I am pro-Palin too, if she runs. Let's all hope she does. I am so tired of this pussy-footing, dip a toe in slow armageddon, and with loud-mouth idiots with shrill voices, bickering back and forth. Let's get this thing over with already! No presidential hopeful could make armageddon funnier than Sarah Palin. I've talked myself into bemused incredulity for 3 years since the menace first showed its face- like that teaser episode with the Borg on Star Trek the Next Generation where the last line was Guinan saying "be sure of this...they are coming." Man they don't make armaggedons like they used to. I like mine like a bandaid: right off! Go crazy, get freaky, have an orgy, raze the city of Tripoli, whatever. I just can't take the slow agony of any more molasses dripping from the stalactite slow armaggedoning. Let's do this thing and do it right. I'm still a young, strong, amoral, fit, fast, vicious, testosterone-fueled, ambitious male. But I am at the peak of my prime. If there's going to be a collapse to all of established Western society, it could not come at a better time for me. I'm losing a step America. Getting long in the tooth. I can't climb mountains like I used to, and I'm losing my edge. In 5 years I won't have nearly as much potential as a brutal gang leader or Robin Hood (style) highwayman. Let's do this thing now. Don't make me wait!

Fine you don't want to. Well, of course it won't matter who wins. I doubt any economy can work when 2 out of 3 people are in bad health, everyone wants white collar work supervising several of their lazy peers, and every single person has both a degree and the debt that usually comes with it. Everyone having a degree means the same thing as no one having a degree, just if no one was 4 years older, and a lot poorer. The universities are counting on this. Also none of grows our own food, and traditionally like what 70% of people on this earth grew their own food or more than their own share of food. So a lot more people are useless and looking for something to kill time doing. We can't all write software for the three companies left in existence can we?

And I am assuming Tina Fey would want to take a massive pay cut from being a comedian to become president, or would want to risk trying to get laughs in the much harder world of the Republican debate circuit, where every policy spouted by Herman Cain or Michelle Bachman could potently lead to explosive unstoppable hysterics (Oh RIP Whitey, we hardly knew ye. Will I ever live to see an election peopled by mildly mannered, mildly wealthy, white oldish men again? I miss those days. Oh wait, no I don't). I am also, alas, excluding the possibility of a Google Party candidate, or a Facebook Party candidate, or even the Walmart Party candidate. All of whom will be coming to your election in the year 2016, by the way, and that should spice things up a little. For now you are stuck with just the old Republicans and Democrats, who are really pretty similar tools in the hands of bloated, corrupt, international corporations holding America and every other nation hostage. When that corporation wants to deny a problem, they pull out a Republican who harangues on cew: "Global warming does not exist. My great grandpappy's grandpappy's grandpappy was there when the Glaciers attacked in the last great ice age. It was terrible! Frostbite everywhere. They came at our women! They came at our children! If a mother put her baby down near a glacier to pick chestnuts, the glacier would pounce with slow, methodical malevolence. And before that baby could turn 25, it had swallowed him whole! An "Encino Man" if you will. The glaciers devoured our territories ruthlessly. There was no turning them back. They came on and on, arrows bounced right off them. An inch this year, 2 inches the next. Until they had conquered the whole of the Earth! Do you want your children to be slaves to ice? Always cold? And shivering and you powerless to save them? Because if you think those glaciers have me fooled with their humble-pie act, you're a damned dirty communist ape! I will not rest. I am watching these glaciers! And also the Mexicans." And if they want to appease some protestors to make them go away they unsheath a Democrat who says forcefully, "You activists are the life-blood of the future, you are the jedi knights of change. We have heard your powerful, yet supple, melodious chanting voices. We admit, you are stronger than us, smarter than us, and gosh darn it, we just like you. Also you are much more beautiful than any of us. So we give in," then they announce some half-ass change that does more harm than good, because all the do-gooders wipe their hands and say, "we showed them. Problem solved." And they move on to their next cause assuming someone else will carry on the fight they didn't want to last past their coffee/commercial break anymore than their target did.

So trust this hearty reader, have no fear, no anxiety. Don't stress about voting for the right person. The winner of the next election, whoever he, or she, is will have no impact on climate change or the world in general. And am I still the only one who thinks there had to be some con job in getting Obama elected? The cynic in me was certain no black man could get elected and that John McCain would sneak out with a horrifying last second victory when millions of voters suddenly realized with cold sudden and final clarity: wait a second! This O'bama really is a ni-nevermind. But he won. At the worst possible time. His detractors are more vocal than ever but still offer no policy ideas of their own that could actually work. And the sheer zaniness the Republicans are spraying the field with tells me: they have no idea at all what they are going to do if they win this election, and might actually be better off throwing it. You can't lose, if you don't play. And I just can't shake that nagging feeling that some powerful racists thought, hey, if we let a black or a woman win now, they'll look so bad we'll never have to worry about another one becoming president...before the world ends in 50 years, muah hah hah hah hah! Am I a cynic?

Well, here is some cheer for you; a happy ending to global warming. Our increasing pollution causes ever more deadly natural disasters, including, a massive volcano, which will spit so much ash into the air that the sun will be blocked out and the temperature of the earth reduced to that of 1964, at which point all the Republicans and Muslim fundamentalists will join hands and sing songs of peace and love, shouting "thank the Lord that the Lord taught us to build combustion engines and lightweight polymers useful as stretchy grocery bags at just the perfect moment so we could start polluting and raise the temperature just enough to keep us from falling into another ice age when that volcano exploded, so we could defeat our true enemy and the friend of Satan: glaciers!" Though the celebration will be short-lived, as with all that ash up there the smoke from factories will have no place to go and we'll all be sick to our stomachs from black air almost immediately. And we all live happily ever after, but you know, the not very long kind of ever, because we'll all get lung cancer.

Well until next time, happy holidays!!! Get in the spirit. Send 50,000 letters and buy lots of forever stamps because the postage rates are going up in January and the Post Office needs money (to keep paying me) now! Though that's only my opinion, not the Post Office's. They do not care if you send letters or buy postage.