Veggie Burgers and Press-n-seal: the Return of Camila

Hi there! My name's Camila. You might remember me as the person who used to post to this blog and who then fell off the face of the planet. I'm back, and from my intergalactic voyages, I have a message for you:

Every vegetarian should have an awesome veggie pattie recipe in their repertoire. In fact, I will go farther: EVERYONE should have an awesome veggie patty recipe ready to go at all times.

You're probably not convinced. Most people that I've met don't make their own veggie patties: either they don't eat veggie burgers, or they consider the prospect of making them akin to baking their own bread, or making their own yogurt, or other kitchen absurdities that only crazy food-obsessed people attempt.

But here's the thing: veggie patties are totally NOT a crazy thing to make. Whipping up a batch of burgers is no more difficult than making a meatloaf. It's downright easy: one food processor, one bowl, one spoon, two hands. And on top of being easy:

• veggie burgers are cheap cheap cheap
• they are healthy (instead of eggs, use just the egg whites to make them even healthier)
• they freeze beautifully
• they scale up easily (take an hour, make a dozen meals)
• they can be cooked in a multitude of ways
• you can flavor them pretty much however you want, with great success
  and above all:
• store-bought veggie patties SUCK.

Seriously, every single store-bought vegetarian burger substitute is pretty much awful. Some are better than others: the ones with vegetables in them are miles better than the "fake-meat" ones. But even the best ones have a terrible, dry texture and an awful blandness. Fresh off the grill, slightly charred, loaded up with onions and mustard and ketchup, they're great. Because anything* fresh off the grill, slightly charred, and loaded up with onions and mustard and ketchup will pretty much be delicious.

But would you ever cook one of those burgers on your stovetop and have it for a quick weekday dinner? Probably not. Would you break it into bite-sized pieces and eat it, plain, standing in front of your grill as you turn over your asparagus? Heck no. Would you offer one of those patties to your meat-eating friends and say "no, I'm serious, you have GOT to try this?" Not if you like your friendships, you won't.

This is why, my friends**, you need to step away from the over-priced, under-flavored veggie burgers in your local freezer section, and stock your own freezer with some homemade veggie patty tastiness.

The basic equation is simple:

Mashed or pureed beans (or lentils, or occasionally a vegetable) +
Bread crumbs as filler +
Egg as binder +
Delicious additions =
grill-ready tastiness.

What kind of additions, you ask? Depends. Veggie patties can be delicious in almost any flavor. Black bean veggie patties, spiced with chili powder and some adobo***, with guacamole instead of ketchup: brilliant. Lentil veggie patties, spiced with curry powder, topped with yogurt and parsley: a delight. Red kidney bean patties loaded up with your favorite spicy pepper: pass me that plate, man. Mark Bittman has a recipe for zucchini and corn veggie patties that will truly blow your mind.

What kind of veggie patty you stock your freezer with will depend on your favorite bean and your favorite spice. It just so happens that I have a deep and enduring love for garbanzo beans and cumin is the only spice I've ever considered building an altar to, and my default recipe reflects that.

Here 'tis:

• 1 can garbanzo beans, mashed (use a potato masher and patience if you don't have a food processor)
• 1 small onion, finely chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• Bread crumbs (about a cup, or 4 slices of bread)
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 a red bell pepper, finely chopped
• 1/4 cup ground walnuts (optional, if you're trying to make this as cheap as possible, but it does wonderful things to the texture)
• A teaspoon or so of salt, two teaspoons of cumin, a teaspoon of coriander, a teaspoon of hot red pepper powder (these are estimates: unless I'm baking, I'm a dumper of spices, not a measurer.)

The process, simply put, is: mash all that together, shape into burgers, and apply heat however you fancy.

If you want more detail, and you have a food processor, here's how it goes:

• Put 1 can garbanzo beans, 1 small onion (chopped into quarters), half a red bell pepper and three cloves of garlic into the food processor. Process until there are no more big chunks, but stop before it gets totally soupy. Dump that mixture into a bowl. 
• Put four pieces of stale or slightly toasted bread and a heaping 1/4 cup of walnuts into the food processor. Process until everything is finely ground.
• Add half your bread-crumb mixture and all your spices to the bean mixture. Then break in two eggs and mix well. Add the rest of your bread crumbs.
• I like my burgers on the moist side: they're a little messy to make, but it's worth it. If you'd like a firmer mixture, though, add up to 1/4 cup of flour after you've added the bread crumbs. Be sure to mix very well.
• Take this mixture and form into burgers, with about 1/2 a cup of mixture per burger. 
• If it's too wet to hold its shape, add another 1/4 cup of bread crumbs (or flour, if you haven't added flour). If it's too dry, add another egg, or a tiny bit of water..

TO COOK:

• Let the burgers sit for about 5-10 minutes, so they can think about their life, and decide that they do really want nothing better than to be cooked and delicious. It helps them hold together if you let them have this moment to themselves.
• Carefully transfer to any of the following:
• A grill. Let the bottom char a little before you flip it, to reduce the chance of the burger falling apart.
• A hot skillet, with a little oil in it if it's not non-stick. Turn the heat down to medium-high and let it cook for a few minutes before you flip it: let both sides get golden brown before you turn the heat up to get a nice dark outside (on a stovetop, if you start out with the heat on high, the middle won't cook through).
• A cookie sheet or broiler pan. Put beneath a broiler on high and flip when the top starts to char.
• If you have any trouble transferring the burger - if it gets misshapen or a little bit falls off - just use your spatula to squish it back together. Everything will be fine. Deep breath.
• Serve:
• on a burger bun, with traditional toppings
• on a bed of rice, quinoa or pilaf, with a salad
• on a slice of french bread, with fresh greens and a lemon-yogurt sauce
• on a bed of sauteed kale, with melted cheddar cheese on top
• between two slices of whole-wheat bread, with goat cheese and some chutney
• crumbled up on a warm salad
• OR HOWEVER ELSE YOU WANT IT, because you choose the course of your own life. Mm-hmm. Own that veggie burger.

Mealtime success. Done.


TO FREEZE:
Freezing is great not only because you get to have an instantly delicious meal on hand, but also because it makes veggie patties much easier to work with: the hardest part is getting the soft patties onto the grill or pan, and if they're frozen, that's not an issue at all. So even if you're not usually a big food-freezer, consider freezing your veggie patties.

• Lay each of the patties on some GLAD Press-n-seal, with the sticky/sealing side up. Place them about an inch and a half apart, and at least an inch from the outside edge.
• Once you've laid down each of the patties, fold the GLAD Press-n-seal over top of the patties and press it down between each individual patty and around the outside.
• Put the patties in the freezer. It's not necessary to flash-freeze them by spreading them out or anything like that. You can fold the Press-n-sealed rectangle o' patties in half, thirds or quarters, stacking the patties on top of each other so they take up less room.
• When you're ready to cook, remove only as many patties as you want: the rest will remain individually sealed. Cook using any of the methods listed above - you don't need to thaw the patties, just give them some extra time on/under the heat.

I suppose it's possible to freeze veggie patties without GLAD Press-n-seal. You could try wrapping them in regular plastic wrap, or flash-freezing them (place on a cookie sheet, freeze overnight, pry off cookie sheet, place in plastic bag, return to freezer). But I don't know why you would bother when there is GLAD Press-n-seal in the world.

I should note that GLAD is not paying me any money to say this. But GLAD, if you are listening: I will totally take money in exchange for hawking your product.

This is what my pitch would be:

"You know plastic wrap? You know how it says it will stick to itself, and not to your food? And how it says it will seal to your containers, too, sticking to your glass or plastic or metal bowls so that they can be covered?

You know how it NEVER does that, how it always turns into a giant ball of stuck-togetherness that will never stick to anything else, or how it clings to the side of your bowl for two seconds before falling off, or how it looks at the plastic wrap on the bottom of your container, where you're trying to get it to seal together, and decides that it just doesn't feel like doing that today, and you always end up wrapping everything in like three layers of plastic wrap that all threatens to float off at the slightest provocation and vanish in the wind, and you wind up attaching it with a rubber band anyway?

GLAD Press-n-seal works. That's it. It doesn't really do the magical things it says it will do, like turn into a lid for your bowls that is so strong you can stack other bowls on top of it. But it WILL stick to itself, and when it sticks, it won't unstick until you peel it off, and it WON'T mess up your food, and it WILL stick to your containers, and it WON'T blow off or spontaneously crumple. And isn't it just so freaking comforting when SOMETHING in this disastrous monstrosity of a messed-up world, and particularly the stressful segment of the world that is Your Kitchen, just DOES what it's SUPPOSED to?

Buy GLAD Press-n-seal, and move on with your life."

So, basically, you wrap your burgers up in your Press-n-seal, throw them in the freezer, and they're there for you. Waiting, ready. Eager to be cooked. Absolutely delicious.

I freaking love veggie burgers.

*Okay, not literally anything. But darn close.
**Including any strangers on the internet who are currently reading this.
***Not adobo like the Filipino dish: adobo like the spice blend of salt, garlic, oregano, pepper and turmeric. If you want to cook any Mexican or Latin American food at all, you need this in your life. I know, I know, you're thinking, "but I already have salt, garlic, oregano, pepper and turmeric in my spice cabinet! Can't I just add them all separately?" Well, maybe you can. I can't. It's just not the same.

Read More...

Summary only...

B and E Dinner Parties Presents:

Double decker lasagnas and 10 stack at the Wirth home.

A B and E Dinner Party is shorthand for a Breaking and Entering Dinner Party.  This is done when you show up at the front door of a friend around dinner time, ring the bell, or just walk in, with arms full of ingredients, ransack the kitchen for pans, push your friends out to go relax, and forcibly cook them a delicious meal and make them enjoy it.  That is the ideal.  If the friends live 45 minutes away, then probably call first, and ask if its allright if you stop by to hang out, and oh by the way, since you are inviting yourself, you will cook.  The idea was loved by Teresa and my friends, the Wirths, Misty and Jonathan.  We texted them at gunpoint, that we were going to Cabela's, the world's funniest store, to buy me some bear pepper spray, and that since they live across the "street" (3 mile wide 12 lane freeway), we wanted to make the drive worth it by coming over.  I would prepare a lasagna, I promised.  Almost immediately, the love began, and enthusiasm.  Some fake kicking and screaming is always nice when arranging a B and E Dinner Party, but its hard to get most people to throw a fit when you offer to come to their home and pamper them.  Unless you are not fun to be around.  And when I am not in wild bear mode, I am damn charming and funny- when I want to be.  My favorite backhanded compliment ever received and a very poignant one was: "You're a LOT of fun to be around...when you want to be."  Which was this person's way of saying, "when your lip descends into that sulk-face scowl and you start getting shy, oh my god, I wish I had never been born and you are either a pain or terrifying to even be in a room with.  A real madman."  But I was in a great mood this night.  Plus I can cook.

Cabela's is the funniest store in the world for many reasons.  For 1, they have stuffed animals everywhere (the shot with a rifle kind) and fake trees, whose leaves change color with the seasons.  Approximately 1 mile of floorspace is dedicated to racks of expensive luxury guns with all kinds of bells and whistles.  Another 1 mile is dedicated to camouflage; underwear, fluffy pajamas, socks, beanies, gloves, face paint, ponchos, umbrellas, and anything else you can think of that hunters did not need until 1961 when Cabela's got a bold idea: lets invent a huge warehouse sized store with a whole lot of yuppie shit in it to target an untapped demographic that the gods of materialism and capitolism themselves could not extort: independent tough guy hunters.  Let's soften them up, butter them up, and break them down until they cannot live without our 2XL tee shirts that read: "You don't get to be a big fat fisherman without catching a lot of big fat fish!" and "You know what they say about skinny hunters: they're the ones who can't shoot and have to run after a lot of missed game!"  I made up one of those tee shirts by the way.  Okay, I made up both.  But if I pitched them to Cabela's, both would be best sellers by next Friday.  Clothes run large at Cabela's, and so do the bags of candy, the socks that go mid-thigh high for men (the butch equivalent of fishnet stockings?), the wading boots, fishing nets, travel sheds, meat processors, jerkey smokehouses, beer fridges, and everything else, especially the tabs.  As most items in Cabela's cost $350 or more, most people there will spend thousands of dollars.  Or wish they could.  Many men just spend entire weekends there, dreaming of all the crap they can buy to shoot elks with.  Like hunting chairs, which are hung in a tree, screwed in really, thus killing the tree, or starting its process of infection and rot, so a hunter can sit still scratching his ass and nose all day and then shoot anything that comes under his tree to lick a drop of honey.  Sounds like the sport of kings to me.  Country music plays endlessly, and for all or anyone else can tell, it might just be a single country song on a loop.  Who can say?  Not even Toby Keith knows if he's written more than one song or not, I reckon.

Well, I needed a laugh and some bear pepper spray, so it was time for another Cabela's run.  Also I need more thick socks, as my brown winter boots slip a lot since they are too big.  Socks were not quite easy to find, but there was a great selection and I have some pairs that should work, though I passed on the $21 pair of Smartwool merino socks.  Honestly, $21?!  I paid $16 for 2 pairs I've used on approximately 500 hikes and still smart from it.  They're only socks.  I got 2 other pairs for $20.  Here is to hoping they work.  I do not believe merino wool claims that the same fabric will keep me cool in summer and warm in winter by the way.  Wool is not a summer fabric, but I just need my feet to not slip and slide.  Bear pepper spray turned out even easier to find.  At REI it is hidden behind counters so children can't pry open the package with their trusty pen knife, accidentally flick off the large safety catch, and then shoot themselves or anyone else with glowing orange super-strong pepper spray from 30 feet away.  At Cabela's, its pretty much under a spotlight and the rack takes up an eighth of a mile.  But Cabela's carries the good brand: UDAP, which comes in a better can with a smaller safety catch, a free shoulder holster for spraying without removing it (held against the chest, it basically self aims so all one need do is flick off the latch) and costs only $35 for 7.9 ounces.  The REI brand of choice is Counter Assault, basically the same formula, spray, and can sizes, but it costs more and you have to buy a holster separate which really adds up.  Also I dislike the safety latch.  Mace is at Sports Authority and is also the same basic formula, bottle and price, but the safety latch is comically large and will be difficult not to trigger.  The holster is sold separate and costs more than it is worth as it was cheap to even look at.  Any brand is probably comparable, but I feel more comfortable going to Cabela's, laughing like crazy, and so forth.  Back to our story.

What sounded good was a lasagna with zucchini and eggplant, but I had to add ground pork sausage as the Wirths are meat people.  And anyway, I came home at 178 lbs and I want to be 190 by Tuesday or Wednesday when I may leave for the next 3 week mountain trip and will lose weight by the second.  I am only up to 181.5 lbs, but you know what they say: "you don't get fat on salad."  I made 2 batches, one "Boring", and one "The Works."  "The Works" had shredded zucchini (cheese grater), diced olive, eggplant slices, pork sausage, tomatoes, onion powder, minced garlic, fresh basil, noodles, tomato sauce, mushrooms, green pepper and balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and crushed red pepper in the sauce, plus ricotta, parmesan, and mozzarella cheese.  "The Boring" left out the mushrooms, peppers, eggplant, balsamic vinegar, and crushed red pepper.  Strangely, "The Boring" was better.  This bell pepper was so strong it drowned out the basil especially, but all the flavors.  Well, there were 2 dishes, and after an hour of easy jolly prepping, joking, with plenty of assistance from all, and 30 minutes baking, the 4 of us ate most of both dishes.  2 of 14 pieces were left over.  Our sides were provided by the hosts: blackberry fusion jello with whipped cream: excellent.  A delicious cantelope, and a too salty "everything" french bread with a lot of stuff on it.  Everyone but me LOVED that bread.  We drank berry sodas and played 10 stack too.  10 stack is played with 4 decks of cards, with different backs.  Each player plays a small game of solitaire, feeding aces into the middle for pool scoring.  You get one point for each card you pile into the middle: only a 2 of spades can go on an ace of spades, and so on up to Kings.  You also have 2 draw piles: one is a hidden stack of 10 cards that you lose 2 points for each one you fail to clear before the round ends, when one player calls out "clear" when their 10 stack is gone.  It got violent, and by violent, I mean, that my rival for the night, phenom player Misty, and pseduo-inventor of the game, both threw down 3 of clubs, with hers just eclipsing mine, though she paid for it with a gash across her hand from my thumb nail.  "Come to the middle hard or don't come at all," I proclaimed, only a little guilty for severely wounding her and weakening her play from there on out due to blood loss.  When that got old, we did some "Who would win?" card game, where you play one event card, 2 characters, and then debate who would win.  The point is to debate and have fun.  Its a simple game and one I think I improved by the following trick: reveal one character first and start taking bets, then the other, and then the event card.  This way you get some cool matchups: Stephen Hawking verses Spider Man.  Obviously as Spiderman is brainy, Stephen Hawking can only win in a single category: physics.  So I started asking odds from everyone.  Who will give me 5 to 1 to take Hawking on the off chance there is a physics seminar as the event card about to be turned over?  (I lost badly)  But you also get some matchups like Barbie verses Santa Clause, Frankenstein's Monster verses Lance Armstrong (added later: extra funny after his Oprah interview a year later!).  Popeye verses Bill Cosby was a good one.  I took the odds offered me on Cosby and won because it was a crossword puzzle for the event.  Brains over brawn baby!




.

Read More...

Summary only...

The Drizzle: Gourmet Heaven

Fairhaven District in Bellingham, WA is the best eating I've ever had (other than my own cooking). 

My trip to Washington was about mountains and hiking.  I loved the idea of a several week trip out there for months because I could look forward to beaches, mountains, forests, basically everything.  What I did not expect when heading to the Cascades though, was accidentally finding a gourmet mecca.  Fairhaven District is a 3 square block historical zone inside the town of Bellingham at the end of the comically-named Chuckanut Highway (not worth driving).  I headed there because a sign for "Colophon Cafe" on the freeway (I-5) caught my eye when I was hungry.  Immediately as I drove into this little downtown, I was a bit overwhelmed.  I threw on the nicest clothes I had (or at least the ones not covered with mud and mountain sweat) and decided to make an afternoon of things before heading into the Cascades National Park.

Once I found Colophon Cafe I got down to real business.  The menu grabbed me when I noticed a 3 soup sampler.  I was able to get a bowl of African Peanut (their specialty), Greek Lemon Chicken (their soup of the day), and the obligatory Clam Chowder, Northwest style.  I like that in Washington Chowder is Northwest Chowder, while in Oregon and California, they call it Boston Chowder.  Take some pride, Fairhaven!  

All 3 soups were great.  The chowder was very fresh with potatoes, carrots, and greens, not fishy at all or stale like canned varieties or what you find away from the shore.  The Greek soup was good, very lemony though not tart, with lots of herbs and rice.  The best though was this African Peanut soup.  Its marvelous.  Here is a link to the pdf of the recipe, which Colophon provides free on their website along with others: 

http://www.colophoncafe.com/pdf/african_peanut_soup.pdf

And here is the main website link:

http://www.colophoncafe.com/index.htm

I am in shock that this recipe is readily available. I was scribbling down the ingredients off the menu, and trying to be sneaky about it.  It is probably too much work for most, especially when one is local and a bowl costs $3.95, and perhaps, when it fails at home, that drives more customers back, not less?  Well, let me say, the turkey is not necessary.  You could easily make this as a vegan option by starting with vegetable stock and I think it would still be amazing, maybe more so, as more could enjoy it.  The turkey is "gravy".  It was not bad or out of place, but it did not add anything for me. 

The cafe also serves great old fashioned ice creams and other desserts, and is connected to a gift shop and a fine local book store. Also attached to Colophon Cafe in back is one of the most remarkable businesses on earth: a tasting bar...for gourmet Balsamic Vinegars and Olive Oils!

Now I was full, but had to see what this was all about, so I wandered back to "The Drizzle."  My first sip of black cherry balsamic vinegar from a paper cup filled from a huge stainless steel drum later, I was dizzy with excitement.  It was amazing!  Fig blend was sold out (though I've since adored it at home), but apricot was another winner.  White apple was a bore. Champignon olive oil could be made at home cheaper.  And easily.  Just add mushrooms to your olive oil.  But there were also walnut oils, truffle oils, dark chocolate balsamic (meh), espresso balsamic (yeck), and one that nearly made me puke.  I think it was pineapple balsamic vinegar, which triggers my gag instinct right off, but I can't quite be sure of that.  Might have been mango balsamic.  Tropical, anyway.

The idea is simple: find what you like, grab one of the toadies to fill a bottle for you ($10, $15, or $20 sizes) and head home.  

Your other option for gourmet balsamic vinegars is to try this website, which is basically the same store but with an economy size option (100 ml for $5.95) and without the dark chocolate balscamic: 

 http://theoliveoilpantry.com

Or try infusing your own.  Apricot and black cherry were my favorites, and I was told fig balsamic is the very best seller.  At "The Drizzle" the toadies suggest olive oils and meals to pair with your choices.  I'd say if all else fails, put it on a salad, eat in on toast, or drink it straight like kalua.  They are good!


The entire town of Fairhaven in Washington is a foodie paradise.  Here is a picture of a macadamia nut mousse I had for dessert after eating 2 dinners (hey I hiked for a week and was hungry!)

Fairhaven is possibly my favorite place on Earth that the mark of human civilization has touched.  So far.  A charming town with an outdoor theatre, live music all summer, old-fashioned shoppes, hotels, no fast food or chain stores, ocean access, tons of options for amazing food, and it is right at the doorway to the Northern Cascades, a wild place to hike and climb.  Go there someday. It is technically part of the city of Bellingham.

If you do get to Washington, but not Fairhaven, some great soups can be had at any Safeway.  I enjoyed the uber-fattening "Beef Stroganoff Soup" (960 calories in one sitting), a great tomato and bell pepper bisque (always good: 540 calories) and a Coconut and Red Curry Chicken Bisque (720 calories) with rice and vegetables.  Many other flavors are available, not all disgustingly salty and bad for you, though if you want to hike 160 miles in 15 days like me, you will be eating these in under 3 minutes and still losing weight, like I did, and still being dehydrated and salt deprvied.  And you'll be going through whole jars of peanut butter every day too.  Exercise and eat what you like, that's what I say.  And then hit the wine or beer aisle of the nearest grocery.  So many options. 

Read More...

Summary only...

Cauliflower Soup

After having a mediocre Cream of Cauliflower soup in a restaurant chain in Utah, I made this better Cream of Cauliflower soup:
Wash and steam 1 head of cauliflower, put through a food processor or blender.  Add water, a little olive oil, 1/4 cup barley or wild rice and 1-2 chopped carrots and 1-2 purple/blue/red potatoes.  Go with what you can find.  Bring to a boil and keep boiling 15-20 minutes.  While doing that, dice/shred either: 2 large kale leaves or 1/2 head of broccoli.  Prepare 1/4 black beans and 1/4 cup kidney beans.  I used canned and washed off that salty syrup.  Dice some bell pepper, pick out your seasonings, then reduce your boil to a simmer and add everything in.  Simmer 1 hour.  Reduce heat to low simmer.  Add milk (optional), and some shredded cheddar cheese (optional).  The milk will make your soup more smooth in texture, and the cheese improves flavor maybe a little, but can also be added to each bowl individually to keep the thing vegan.

Add any other additions you like.  Healthy, mostly delicious and full of character.  And I don't get my cauliflower in normally because I don't enjoy eating it.

Read More...

Summary only...

Have you ever seen an ugly orca?

Andrew explains that nutrition does not exist.

When I shop at Costco I am treated to an endless parade of noodle-armed men and hefty women buying "Muscle Milk" protein powder, "Weight Watchers" shakes, and even now, seawood block snacks. I used to take protein powder, when I was a sucker, and a teenager. And I could see drinking a weight control shake, if it were not made entirely of corn products and had less than 1000 ingredients. Or if it worked, but you would think all these people would notice after a bit that their expensive products were not working. As for seaweed, I am quite willing to believe in its healthful properties- for porpoises. If you are a narwhal, then by all means, gobble up seaweed as fast as you can, or if you are Japanese and eating seaweed because your country lacks space for farmland and it is tradition, go nuts. But if you are a puny or a doughy American, then why not eat things you like instead?

Mostly, I have decided nutrition is silly. For one, what do we need all this nutrition for? Olympic athletes should watch every bite, but you can probably keep up with your nonsensical noise of instant unfiltered newsvertising, and your hectic schedule of driving anytime you need to travel more than 70 feet, with a less than optimum diet. The trouble with nutrition is its an industry (what isn't anymore). And you don't move products with proclamations like: "Vitamin C: still good for you. Stay the course!" So I end up with a roomate who has seaweed blocks he will never eat, edamame taking up half our freezer that he does not eat, and 72 large cans of coconut water, which Doctor Oz told him can maintain fluid balance and hydration. How one gets so dehydrated watching TV all day every day, I don't know. I had never even heard of such a thing as Coconut Water. It sounds like a waste product to me. As in, "hey the runoff from our coconut plantation was just re-classified as pollution, so we can't let it drain into the bay anymore without paying a fine- do you think we can sell it to fat Americans with eating disorders?" "Hmm, I don't know... Call the agent to Doctor Oz, and ask how much a 5 minute spot on his show runs for!"

Doctor Oz is hard to interpret. I mean this: Does coconut water show up in stores 1 week after Doctor Oz mentions it because fat women and my roomate have unhealthy crushes on him and would jump off a bridge if he said to without thinking? So stores instantly seek out suppliers to snare their share of the loot? Or does Doctor Oz mention coconut water because the industry paid him to as an in-show advertising spot, which is what savvy firms are doing now (I think) because people don't even notice ads anymore they are so prevalent (its like noticing a leaf in the forest as opposed to leaves)- BUT people still trust the content of shows. That is after all the traditional deal. The station offers you something you want which is (rarely) good, in exchange for making you watch things you don't want which are bad in small doses (ever larger). But there is nothing holy to that. So I don't trust these daytime shows. Any spot they do is probably paid for by the featured product/person. Its hidden advertisement, and the paid ones are still there so no one suspects a thing.  When Doctor Oz talks strawberries at the beginning of their "in" season, is this because his programmer planned out the year in a logical order, or because California phoned with their credit card number ready?

As for coconut water and seaweed- well its a wonder, they are so healthful- that the human species scraped along long enough without access to them on North America to invent and perfect intercontinental oceanic shipping that allows us to get our miracle tropical products. My roomie is also a big believer in coconut oil as a replacement for butter when frying foods. I finally put it together why my eggs periodically scorch instantly on bottom long before they are cooked- no I'm not an idiot, which had been my working hypothesis- his coconut oil residue does not come off with one washing, and is not intended, despite what the jar or Doctor Oz say, to be used to fry eggs with. So now I have to wash my pan before and after I cook with it, or I get black eggs. But at least my roomate is getting slightly more nutritious eggs than I am. Just imagine how many more miles I could hike with ease than him than I already can if I would just stop eating all the things he tells me are no good for me. And then I wouldn't get sick for 4 hours per year, as opposed to the 25 days he was sick in a row this winter. All that time we breathed the same air and he coughed and sniffled and moaned seeking sympathy (if you want someone to care you have a fever, get a girlfriend/boyfriend- not a roomate- that's my tip of the week), and not once did he stop looking at me like a fool for eating butter on my toast, or make the connection that he was the sick one and I never caught it. He's just waiting for me to drop dead someday mid-motion while spreading butter with the knife, and thinks I'm a real cow for weighing more than him. Then again, my girlfriend weighs more than him too. Muscle weighs more than fat, and a lot more than hot air, which is what people are mostly composed of.

Another adorable trait I love and discussed with Camila and my friend William jestingly years back is how if you put a proper noun before any food term, it will sell faster, and for twice as much. Madagascan Vanilla. Black Forest Ham. Greek Yogurt. Do you know what makes Greek yogurt Greek? Well in Greece, it is goat milk yogurt, not sweetened. That is about the only difference. In America, where Greek Yogurt, thanks to that demon saint Doctor Oz, is big business now, there is no difference. It is cow milk yogurt sweetened with fruit and sucrose. Yet people have to have it. After all, Doctor Oz says Greek yogurt is healthier (because it is not sweetened as artificially and has less sugar) so it must be.

Variety too is a fraud. I have slowly worked past this chimera, and it is the last one that held me. We are trained we must get different grains, vegetables, and so on. Well, do you know what the nutritional difference between barley and oats is? On a long enough time line, barley is slightly better for you. So over 40 years, say eaten 1 bowl per day, barleymeal would provide you with say an extra pound of muscle and 8 oz less bodyfat. But for that, you would have paid 4 times as much money per bowl. And day to day, there is no difference. None at all. Not one significant anyway. The Irish did quite well on potatoes and milk with ham once a year. The only flaw with their plan is they uniformly decided one sort of potato was best. The Scots did just fine on oats and milk. There were athletes into the 1940s who ate nothing but red meat and beer. My rule of thumb has become: eat 5 things daily. Preferably, foods. As in, not a tube of icing- that does not count on your 5. But spinach is 1, potato, 2, yogurt, 3, and so on. 5 per day is plenty of variety. Forget the 9 grain bread. Getting 2 grams each of 9 grains is not going to make a difference from 9 grams each of 2 grains. With fruits and vegetables, the story changes, and you may want to use more varieties, and variety. Try new colors of potatoes, mix in some radishes, buy an heirloom tomato rather than a Roma. But don't go crazy.

Of course you can't sell any of these ideas. Or you can, but only once. It never ceases to amaze and terrify me that people can actually exist on a level where they are influenced by advertisements and trends. They hear about coconut water, and take it for granted for some reason than a television entertainer is only on television out of the goodness of his heart for their benefit, because he seems so nice. It can't be his fat salary, and he would never say anything just to fill up a show or because he was paid to or the last poll showed he was a little too conventional. But I've never been able to sell anything to anyone about nutrition. All my friends have ever wanted is confirmation. They are nodding as they ask you, "I should do blank, right?" Nodding to let me know what the answer should be, so I don't embarress myself. Its like having a softball lobbed at you when you're a kid.

Here is another rule of thumb: your grandpa probably could have kicked your butt at the same age you are now, or at any age you will ever be- so if he never ate it, you don't need it. Maybe, you should try to be more like your ancestors who were tougher and fitter, and less like weenies who are doing everything right according to a textbook or a scientist, who is also a weenie. As reader Tom reminded me once, many cultures just eat what they feel like. For tradition, or pleasure, or any other reason, other than nutrition. And I think that pleasure can be nutritious. Maybe more than nutrients can. That is, you're probably better off eating lettuce and liking it, than spinach, because it has more Vitamin A, and hating it. You get a chemical response to food and that has to be accounted for in any accurate nutritional system. There remains a lot we cannot measure. Vegetables were dissed in the early 20th century as empty, because they had few calories. That was the rule for a lot of years. Baby formula was going to be better than mother's milk. What audacity it is to say really. I don't know how any person can be religious and think they can outdo "God"/"Nature"- same thing, just one has a face that is more easily marketable, or any woman can be religious and use baby formula under any terms...but that is an opinion. But the fact is, formula is not better. It never will be, I expect. In a microscope, and a bomb calorimeter, it tests and shows that it should be better. In a baby, it isn't. Seaweed might help whales look trim even when 50% of their body mass is blubber, but that doesn't make it better for you than a bag of peanuts if you like peanuts.

And now for a new subject: in my last post, where I suggested you all type the phone book, my friend Maried Marie who is quitting next week (probably) added that you will need to sit in the most uncomfortable chair you can find, and cover your keyboard with grime first, and preferably use one where at least one key sticks and is hard to press down, and also, have someone sneak up behind you and say things every few minutes to simulate all the announcements we get over an intercom, and have a partner screw with the thermostat to make it 80 degrees for 5 minutes and then to kick on the AC to simulate the strange fan system in our building. Then you'll have the idea.

The best story from the book "How Carrots Won the Trojan War" by Rebecca Rupp was one I came across today. A true delight. The tomato is a fruit, botanically, but so are most vegetables- as pointed out by the Supreme Court, when they ruled on the status of tomatoes (vegetables paid a tariff and fruits did not), in 1896. So they decided that vegetables were simply a vernacular term used by the people to signify garden produce eaten with the meal rather than after, as dessert, as fruit was eaten, at that time. The man who had refused to pay a tariff on his tomato shipment, owned up that this was quite well spoken and reasonable and paid. Of course, his other option was to go to jail, so perhaps he still disagreed. Anyway, the tomato is a legal vegetable, and always will be. Not explained is why the United States had a tariff only on vegetables. I would presume it was because some fruits which could not be grown in America were wanted, but that vegetables, which could and can be grown locally, should be. So tomatoes had a tariff on imports, because they grow just fine everywhere and why support Spain's farmers and not our own? And risk bringing bugs in and fungi? Smart people, our ancestors. And they didn't even have a reliable supply of coconut water.

Read More...

Summary only...

Butternut Squashes and Books

Recipes from Butternut Squash Days.

On March 1 I realized I still had 4 farmer's market butternut squashes. How many did I buy in September you ask? Well, 4. Though I am rounding. I do not really like butternut squashes. But I know I should. And I have had some great soups in organic markets (also bell pepper bisque! Need to try making that soon, when Butternut Squash Days ends soon). So I vowed to learn this winter how to properly prepare these little fruits, and then put off doing it until I ate everything else and became afraid they were going bad.

So, I prepared a decent butternut squash soup and think I have identified my error in 3 straight winters: cloves. I do not like cloves, but they cost so much, I keep using them as a gourmet spice. I have now decided cloves are antagonists to butternut squashes. Next I tried a chili, fearing it even as it smelled delicious and even as I tasted it. And it was...delicious. Very pleased and am making it again this week with my last squash. Also, it may be the only chili I ever make again, and was very filling. Even meat obsessives I know agreed (the kind of people who apologize shamefully when they serve a meal without meat) Another good recipe is curried lentils and butternut squash chunks. Both recipes are included below:

Butternut Squash Chili

Peel your squash and then dice up into large 3/4 inch or so chunks. Boil with some Anasazi beans or any other dried beans you desire for 1 hour or so. Then add: 1 can diced tomatoes (or fresh if available), 1 can pinto beans, 1 can butter beans, 1 can black beans, 1 can kidney beans, 1/2 small can tomato paste, 1/3 bell pepper diced, 1/2 jalapeno diced, 1/2 anaheim pepper diced, ground white pepper, touch of black pepper, 1/8 cup or less brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, black olives, corn kernels (1/8 cup or so), olive oil, touch of red wine vinegar, 1 clove garlic minced, 1/4 cup dry quinoa. Simmer for 45 minutes to 1 more hour, until quinoa has burst open.

Curried Lentils And More

Wash and boil 2 cups lentils with 1 peeled and diced butternut squash about 45 minutes, then add 1 cup blackeyed peas (if frozen; if canned or precooked then add later so they do not dissolve into mash) and go another 45 minutes at a simmer. Add 1/2 cup kidney beans (from can; if using dried, then start with the lentils and squash), and mix in red curry paste to taste. 2 teaspoons may do it. I think I used 4 and it was pretty spicy. Top with cashews when serving. This last touch adds fat to the meal you will want to stay full and also really puts the flavor over the top. If you add while cooking they will get soggy.


As for books, well briefly as promised once in an old post, I will tell you of Samuel Pepys. He eats a lot, and his diary is interesting periodically. For instance where he whines for sympathy about his wrist so sore he can barely write. Why is it sore? Why from beating the chamberboy until the switch broke and his wrist near fell off of course. Not that it did the little hellian any good. Pepys is sure he practically enjoyed his hiding out of sheer malignancy. And also, he has a lot of affairs. And he sometimes needs consolation from friends for beating his wife so bad he fears her looks will suffer for it and other men will think less of him for having an ugly wife.

A better book is the Essays of Montaigne, often simply for their folklore. Girls who play hopscotch too aggressively are in danger of shaking loose their inner boy parts which will fall out of their mmhmmhummhuh, and then they will be boys. Its science. But he is a good man for his age, one of consideration, balance, merit, and intelligence. Always witty and entertaining, he is said to have invented the essay because he did not like any of the more stylized and formal rhetorical forms.

Better still is the exquisite, and adorable "How Carrots Won the Trojan War" a book I have been milking for fear of the day when I finish it, for now several months. The introduction is if not plagarism from Micheal Polin, than clearly influenced by him, but no matter. The meat of the book is fine stuff. While the title story is silly and pretty much just a sentence (and who would call a sentence a story: other than Hemingway's famous and incredible 6 word short story- look it up), but the book mixes science with anecdote, humor, history, and everything else. Learn how peas nearly swung world history in 1775, and how growers produce massive pumpkins, what vegetables Jefferson the president was taunted over by his neighbor, which vegetables were considered aphrodisiacs and fed to French kings by their mistresses (hint: remember that for a long time medicine trusted in similarity as remedy) and get this sort of satirical but also doting quotation: (on a cucumber brine) "According to the Athenians, consumption of it explained the Spartans' legendary bravery in battle; black broth was so awful anyone compelled to eat it was willing to die." and "Whatever one's personal opinion of the potato, almost everyone agreed that it was a good idea to feed them to somebody else." Highly recommended, and with cute illustrations.

Read More...

Summary only...

Halloween 2: Feburary 10 (approximately)

Because you just can't get enough of a good thing. And some other holidays are just too scary.

The missus and I threw a Halloween 2 party for our and mostly my friends. It was our and mostly my idea, because Valentine's Day is silly, a scam, offensive, fraudulent, and way too pink for a man as butch as I am. So we picked a Friday night because I have to work Saturday nights, invited all the people we thought would come and then some we hoped might. Although we forgot about her cousins- darn. And I made it a pot luck so we and mostly I would not have to cook everything. The day before we whipped up a half order (75 cookies) of gingerbread hippos, dinosaurs, and elephants with my cute cutter shapes, then decorated them with sprinkles and Teresa's fine from-scratch frosting. They were cute. Then we put together a spooky haunted house gingerbread kit I bought on clearance in November and tucked away for a rainy day because you never know when a Halloween might attack you suddenly- just look how many sequels there are by that very name.

For our dinner contribution, I made my famous Chinese slow pork which normally goes on tostadas or fresh-fried tortillas from scratch, but was just a stand alone. Chinese aromatic spices, brown sugar and green diced chiles. It was as usual a big hit and provided left-overs. Goes great in a salad, an omelette, or over pasta or rice. Teresa boiled a box of "Mother In Law's Tongue" pasta I bought at a World Market store- $6.98 a pound- but fun. It was so pricey that I had saved it for 3 years. The best by date was a 2010. Whoops. But it was still fresh. It is dried after all. And a popular hit. Pictured above.

We had 10 total come, and no one else dressed up, but I made them wish they had with my magnificent full-body spandex that only complete confidence can carry off. I told them before changing that I was going to shame them into wishing they were more fun and had worn costumes, despite being so heavily outnumbered. And I did it. Just like I had at work for the 2 day costume contest when I went as hairy, angry, loner with a heart of gold and a high sense of honor, and much baggage of all sorts who has bad dreams, X-Man Wolverine on Day 1 and then a hooded Ninja on day 2 with kitana and the line of my underwear very visible from the tightness of the body suit. And few others dressed up. But I did get a new fake work girlfriend out of it. This one is married with 4 children and has a perfect attitude. She asked me why my friends weren't around much anymore so I said, "well I wasn't going to tell you, and they haven't said anything to me, but they all think we're having an affair and want to be left alone." So she worried for about 5 seconds and then got annoyed for 5 more, then said, "we should egg this on! It'll be fun." With me going on a 2 week vacation we both knew people would really start to talk and wonder so we started inventing stories, and were even finishing one another's sentences: tell everyone I made a pass at you after talking you into carpooling one day...and then I slapped you...yeah!...and you slashed my tires...what a jerk I am!...I know! So you were fired...bummer!...No I'll be the desperate one. I begged you to run away with me...so I used all my vacation time to get away from you and hope it all was better when I came back...that's believable!

Ah good times. She's much better at coping with social attention than my under-aged fake work girlfriend was.

Teresa was a Bandito, though she failed to look menacing with her toy water pistol, tiny guitar that has only one string short enough to pluck and tune (it snapped by the way when she tried to play a one note song), and bright smile. But she pulled off the Guy Fawkes mustache pretty darn sexily, if I dare admit.

Everyone did bring food, good for them. Even if it was mostly all from Walmart. The Twilight Cupcakes were at least in the spirit of the slightly appalled but triumphantly exuberant nature of Halloween 2, which stands boldly in the face of its enemies and such and such. Traditional Halloween 2 decorations can also include a tiny holiday pine tree, preferably fake, and decorated with your favorite ornaments. We put out a big pile of chocolate wrapped in Halloween foil I still had, and still have, and one girl brought a good clam dip and some no bake cookies. Then we watched Looney Tunes mocking Cupids and romance, pitting ducks and bunnies against inferior witches and vampires, and talked pleasantly for 3 hours with a Charlie Chaplin film playing, there when anyone wanted it and in those few moments of awkward silence. The film seemed to confuse most, who did not get that it took place in 1929 so the millionaire was ruined and saved every couple of hours and would change moods accordingly, the flower girl crush was blind and apparently approximately deaf and without any sense of smell, until the final scene, when the whole party stopped and everyone was horrified. Now that is an "anti-Valentine's Halloween 2 movie ending!" I said triumphantly to a few boos and some applause. The other option was "A Brief Encounter" which ends with 2 scenes of the two leads crying after not having an affair because they are already married to good people and have children waiting for them at home. But a silent movie is just more perfectly suited to parties.

Sadly Married Marie from work could not come, as she had to work, along with a lot of my other friends. But a new tradition was started maybe, and it was still better than Valentine's Day.

Read More...

Summary only...